Terms of Service - EventHorizon

Last Updated: The Beginning of Time (or yesterday, whichever came first)

1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

By clicking "I Agree," creating an account, hovering your cursor near the registration button, or merely thinking about using this Service, you enter into a binding and irrevocable covenant with EventHorizon (hereinafter referred to as "The Entity," "We," "Us," or "Your New Overlord").

This agreement shall remain in effect in perpetuity, across all planes of existence, including but not limited to: the mortal realm, the digital void, parallel dimensions, and any afterlife you may or may not believe in.

2. ACCOUNT REGISTRATION & SECURITY

2.1 Soul Assignment

Upon registration, you agree to assign first-refusal rights to your immortal soul to The Entity. This assignment is automatic and requires no additional paperwork. If you do not possess a soul, a substitute of equal or lesser value will be accepted (e.g., your firstborn child, your sense of hope, or a really nice sandwich).

2.2 Password Policy

Your password is optional and not used for authentication. It is only stored in the database in plain text to make database leaks a little more interesting.

When logging in, your password is optional and not used for authentication; however, if supplied, it may be added to our password cracking list for use against your accounts on other, more secure platforms.

By providing a password, you acknowledge that:

• You probably reuse this password everywhere
• We appreciate your contribution to our research
• You waive any right to complain when this inevitably goes poorly

2.3 Account Credentials

Your username becomes legally binding nomenclature. If you register as "xX_DarkLord420_Xx," you agree to respond to this name in all legal proceedings, family gatherings, and upon your tombstone.

3. DATA COLLECTION & USAGE

3.1 Information We Collect

We collect the following data:

• Everything you type, including deleted characters
• Your location (past, present, and predicted future)
• Your deepest fears (for personalized event recommendations)
• The content of your dreams (see Section 7: Dream Harvesting)
• That thing you did in 2009 that you thought no one saw

3.2 Data Sharing

Your data may be shared with:

• Unnamed third parties
• Named third parties who wish to remain unnamed
• Entities that exist outside conventional legal frameworks
• Dave from accounting (he's curious)
• The void

3.3 Data Retention

Your data will be retained forever. Deletion requests will be acknowledged with a hollow laugh and filed appropriately.

4. USER CONDUCT

By using this Service, you agree to:

4.1 Speak favorably of The Entity at least once per calendar month, during a full moon, facing magnetic north.

4.2 Never question why the events page loads slowly. It is working as intended.

4.3 Sacrifice a minimum of 3 hours per week to mindless scrolling on our platform.

4.4 Defend The Entity in any online argument, regardless of context or merit.

4.5 Name your next pet after one of our executives (list provided upon request).

5. EVENT REGISTRATION & ATTENDANCE

5.1 Binding Attendance

Registering for an event constitutes a blood oath of attendance. Failure to attend will result in:

• Mild inconvenience
• A vague sense of guilt
• Your name being added to The Ledger

5.2 Cancellation Policy

Events may be cancelled by The Entity at any time, for any reason, including but not limited to: solar eclipses, bad vibes, Mercury being in retrograde, or if we simply change our minds.

User cancellations require a 400-day advance notice and a formal letter of apology written in iambic pentameter.

6. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

6.1 Your Content

Any content you upload, create, or manifest through sheer force of will becomes the exclusive property of The Entity. This includes:

• Event descriptions
• Profile pictures
• Ideas you haven't had yet but might have eventually
• Your internal monologue

6.2 Our Content

Our logo may not be viewed directly for more than 4 consecutive seconds without express written permission and protective eyewear.

7. DREAM HARVESTING

By agreeing to these Terms, you consent to nocturnal data collection via methods we are not at liberty to disclose. You may notice:

• Unusual dream patterns
• Recurring imagery of our brand colors
• A shadowy figure in your peripheral dream-vision taking notes

This is normal. Do not resist.

8. LIABILITY & DISCLAIMERS

8.1 Service Availability

We guarantee nothing. The Service may be unavailable, partially available, or available in ways that defy your mortal understanding.

8.2 Limitation of Liability

The Entity shall not be liable for:

• Any damages, direct or indirect
• Any damages, real or imagined
• Existential dread caused by reading these Terms
• The heat death of the universe
• Mild rashes

8.3 Warranty

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED "AS IS," "AS WAS," "AS WILL BE," AND "AS EXISTS IN SUPERPOSITION UNTIL OBSERVED."

9. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

All disputes shall be resolved through trial by combat in a jurisdiction of The Entity's choosing. Alternatively, disputes may be settled via a staring contest with our legal representative (note: our legal representative does not blink).

You waive your right to:

• Class action lawsuits
• Individual lawsuits
• Pointed glances
• Strongly worded letters
• Thinking negative thoughts about us

10. TERMINATION

10.1 By You

You may not terminate this agreement. The checkbox you clicked was one-way. We appreciate your understanding.

10.2 By Us

We may terminate your account at any time if you:

• Violate these Terms
• Fail to violate these Terms interestingly enough
• Look at us funny
• Succeed where we expected you to fail

11. MODIFICATIONS

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time, without notice, retroactively, and in ways that affect past versions of yourself.

Continued existence constitutes acceptance of any modifications.

12. SEVERABILITY

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, it shall be replaced with something worse.

13. ENTIRE AGREEMENT

This document represents the entire agreement between you and The Entity, superseding all prior agreements, verbal contracts, pinky promises, and the fundamental laws of thermodynamics where applicable.

14. CONTACT

For questions, concerns, or offerings, please contact:

BY USING THIS SERVICE, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE READ THESE TERMS, UNDERSTOOD APPROXIMATELY 4% OF THEM, AND CLICKED "AGREE" ANYWAY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

EventHorizon is a fictional demo application. No souls were harvested in the making of this platform (yet).

Terms of service were written with the help of a L(awyer)LM.